Passing This Way!

I cannot stop my thoughts from thinking about you still. I cannot will away memories of time I spent with you, until there was no time left. Mercilessness and unforgiving though the time is, I believe someday it will bring us together again; someday it will be like our yesterdays again.

Someday when we walk into the evening sun, hand in hand, silent and swaying in the winds... I would take that leap of faith and kiss you. This time, I shall not wait for it to be dark again. Darkness lasts longer in this part of the world.

When I walk into the Night

All good things come to an end, until they begin again. I am not sure if there would be a sequel in this lifetime. I don’t even know if the crew would come together for another shoot. The universe that plots togetherness, plans the parting too.

I knew and so did you that the time we spent together, we would never relive again. As I spent those seasons in time with you, I freeze framed the best of you. In my fear of forgetting you, I frantically keep you alive in my blogs, my poems, my passionate debates on relationships and my ever increasing play-lists of yesteryear songs.

One day, when I walk into the night, I would lean on to your memories and they will carry me through. When I meet my maker, together, we shall say hello!

That Mysterious Glow In Sunshine

When I found the sun up so close, sneaking up my windows, a mile high in the sky, I was reminded of you. I was remembered of the day sunlight was caught behind your silken hair. Rays of love would shine through you, and drenched me in its glow. And when I looked into your mriganayani eyes, I could see myself; and in your eyes, I was so beautiful to see.

I always believed that the Sun that shines, answers to you. You are the mysterious reason why it glows.

Rajesh

The Rainbow Across The Bridge

Some day my songs will sing of you no more. Someday, silences will fall over silences; there will be no words no more. And when you pass this way you will find me painting in your colors no more. I know that one day I shall wake up and I would grieve your loss no more. I agree that I will never forget you but I pray for better things to remember.

Time would send me no answers, but I trust time to bring more important questions my way, someday.

Rajesh

What Do You See In Me?

I have been put through the shredder and my entrails have stained many a heart before. I have been ground fine in time and now get tossed in beautiful looking hourglasses. I have been beaten hollow as a drum, and I am highly strung. The shrillness of my voice; you would not have heard before.

I have been battered by the blue waves and have surrendered my pride years ago; I have no rocky edges no wedges and no space for your little hands to hold on to. I sustain no life anymore. Wonder what you see in me!

Rajesh

Hand In Hand

The last time I went to a park was with you. I am always surprised by your urgency to hang on to my lanky frame in public places. It is as if you wanted the world to know that you owned me, owned a piece of my soul. 

Amidst the buzz of mosquitoes, the wild laughter of young kids and the curious envious stare of their mothers, you chattered on for hours. I do not remember your prompts; I do not remember my responses. I was lost in the glow of your warmth. It was a wonderful dress you were wearing.

When the crowds dispersed and the last of the mother’s tore themselves away from us, I could feel you let go. I could feel the distances of the heart setting in. The last act had been played out. It was time for me to go home.

You were no longer hanging on.

Waiting In The Wings

I have stood here at the wings, watching you play those myriad roles.  You have been in love with the lights, the crowd that cheers have lent you wings; and from these wings, I have seen you fly. 

The songs that you sing are from stories that were ours, the smile that you flash is the one you practiced with me for hours; and the moves that you make are the ones you rehearsed with me over the years. 

You make a wonderful act.

I wish I were a part of the crowd, I wish I were out there cheering with the crowds. I could have moved on when the play was done, I would not have had to wait all this long. Waiting in the wings is lonely. There is so much more to see out there. 

Up here, I only have you. And it is a very long way back home.

Rajesh

The Sunlight On The Garden

For the winds that will never blow

For want of Autumn leaves

For Spring that would never come

For want of Summer showers

For dreams I would never dream

For want of simple sleep

For places I would never be

For want of alternate destinies

For a life I will never live

For want of alternate choices

For memories I have forgotten

And memories I could not erase

For reasons I would not agree to

And for those I could do without

For songs I sing and those I don’t

For friends I have and those I lost

For all the time that was mine

And for a time when there will be none.

For those who wait for me

And for those who miss me from beyond

For all that I know

And for all that is unknown

Rajesh

I Would Walk On Water

Floated into 2011 with Lifehouse. Nothing else but "Storm" could come close to explaining my thoughts on you to myself. Shared here with lyrics for readers to enjoy the power of this number:

Storm

how long have I
been in this storm

so overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form

water's getting harder to tread

with these waves crashing over my head

if I could just see you

everything will be alright

if I'd see you

the storminess will turn to light

and I will walk on water

and you will catch me if I fall

and I will get lost into your eyes

and everything will be alright

and everything will be alright

I know you didn't

bring me out here to drown

so why am I 10 feet under and upside down

barely surviving has become my purpose

cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface

if I could just see you

everything will be alright

if I see you

the storminess will turn to light

and I will walk on water

and you will catch me if I fall

and I will get lost into your eyes

and everything will be alright

and I will walk on water

you will catch me if I fall

and I will get lost into your eyes

and everything will be alright

I know everything is alright

everything's alright

Journey Without End

It is the longer path I used to tread, one with nothing new in it, no new stories, no fairies no gnomes. I had been lucky to have you walk some miles with me, through these otherwise deserted roads. Now that you walk no more, I have found myself stuck in the same stretch that we walked together for ever more. 

A new journey begins where the old one ends. I rediscover everyday the same old crossroads.

Afraid of the Spring

When the wind blows  hard, I fear that the gale will blow your thoughts away, and I hold on tight. When the tides run ashore, I fear that the surge would wash your memories away, and hold you close. These days I have stopped seeing dreams, lest you don't turn up there and I stop to believe. 
As we put distances in time; I fiercely hold on to your memories in me. I have learnt from the years gone by that what they call as forever, is actually a little longer that what I had imagined. I have lost loads of friends to the forever demon. I don't want to lose you. Now that the seasons are changing, I am afraid of the Spring, lest it blooms new flowers where yours I have for so long tended.

Tunnels in Time

Its my 36th birthday today. Like the dish that they never served, the movie scene they censored and the interview call that never came, I missed you in my life today. 


I have taken an inventory of those who blessed me today, and I have realized that for a generally unsociable moron like me, I have had too many loving souls wishing me. While I thank my maker for this day and the blessings, in this milieu... I miss you. If life were a journey through a tunnel in time, I am barely scraping through this part of my travels. I know that I will wake up with your thought throbbing in my head, like a migraine that wont fade; and I know that I will sleep with your thoughts running in my mind, like some virus that wont be deleted, cant be quarantined. Knowing that somewhere far away from me, your thoughts might too rest on thoughts of me  gives me no solace. I know that you miss me too.


Knowing you I have known that it is those whom we love most that we hurt most and are most hurt upon by. I wish it could be different. Now that this day is almost run, I look forward to those years to come, I look forward to your surviving in me as a memory as a pain as a wish. Happy Birthday to Me.

When my Kite Flies Too High

When you stress the line that holds you down, pull on the Chakri so that you can fly some more, I guess it is time to set you free.

When you fly high, you see more of the universe of which I am but a part. Down on land, closer to me, I fill your world, take too much space. Up high in the sky, far away from me, you have a better perspective of where I stand, vis-à-vis the whole wide world. It is exhilarating to set you in flight. The struggle to lend wings to your flight, fight notoriously shy winds of desire and set you high, makes me feel young and alive again. You bring to life the child in me.

Now that you are but a distant speck, a tension on the line, the force that pulls the Chakri that I struggle to hold on to, I do not feel all that young anymore. The power of your bright beautiful wonderful flight strains my hands, twangs the twines of life connecting us. You are now too far up in the sky for me to see, I think It is time to set you free.

Free to drift with the crazy winds of life, add to the street fights of urchins who will run behind, fall in the hands of someone who would love you just as much, if not a little more. It is time to set you free from these lines that hold you down, time for you to see less of me.

Someday when the sun is up again, and I have had the courage to look up at the skies, I hope I would see you flying again, lending wings to another’s dream, fueling fires of love and desires, and flying happy flying high.

With prayers of a vibrant tomorrow, here, I set you free. 

The Chakri spins at a crazy speed, the line runs out absolutely free, my old hands grow hot in the whirr of the moment, fueling your flight… and then all is silent, and you are free. My Chakri now spins no more and I walk back into my silent life. It will be some time before I have the heart to look back into the sunny skies.

Have a safe flight.

Exorcisms

You would not see the light years I have waited for a call from you. You would not hear the overpowering noise of those hours and days and weeks of silences, that passes by before you connect. I dread your next call, for once it is done, and you have said your bye ji, the cycle of waiting would begin all over again. 

Overtime, I have fallen in love with my silences. They are predictable and provide a sense of soothing continuum. Each day runs into other and nothing untoward happens. I am learning to love the shades of black, I love innovating the notes of my silences. They don’t sing as well as you do... as yet, they are not as engaging as you are. Increasingly, you are the distraction that is ruining my routine. You are the strangeness in an otherwise peaceful life.

One of these days, I might decide to exorcise thee!


Rajesh

What I Write When I Miss You

Some images are disconcerting. The image of a train running out of a tunnel into the waiting night is one such image. Some of my oldest memories are memories from Train journeys. The incessant clatter of iron wheels on iron tracks used to drum up sad thoughts in me. I have often wondered how loco pilots would feel inside goods trains on moonless nights. The only things that they would see are railway tracks, everything else will be pale blue, black and gloomy.

My life these days are quite similar. I peer into the darkness lit by little lights that my loved ones have left behind. All I see is an endless row of fishplates and railway tracks. The stations on the way are mere distractions, some day I need to unload, unwind. Someday I need to stop this speed. Someday will be my last day, some journey, my last errand to run. Some day I will pull into a station... never to leave.

In my journey tearing through the darkness of my life, I am guided by the Spirits and also by the memories of wonderful journeys from the past. My Grandma smiles down and so does my Uncle and all those loved ones who have now completed their dreary journeys and watch over me. Someday I too will gaze down on fellow travelers and guide my loved ones.

Life is long, It takes a long time living. Enjoy the clatter, be guided by the stars and the signals.

Rajesh

Inclusive Versus Accommodative

I knew that someday you would not be around all the time. I knew that someday the winds will stop blowing your fragrance my way. I knew this and still I dreaded the silences that were to follow the storm you whipped up in my life. A knock on the door changed everything. Now I need not be worried that I will remember you too often... I will never forget you :)

Most relationships are accommodating in nature. I am included in your scheme of things, but I am seldom the universe around which you plan your things. Such relationships are what I call accommodating. "I will be in that part of the town tomorrow...shall we meet up?" is an example. Very few relationships are inclusive in nature. When you felt like meeting me, you planned your universe around me, you made me feel very important. You made me believe that for a moment, I was the centre of your universe. I have seldom been made to feel this way. Thank you.

An Alluring Sense of Disconnect

All is well until I hold you in my hands. Even as time stands still with baited breaths waiting for those postcard moment of life to be delivered, my own thoughts are far from you. The fear of what a hug would do to you keeps me from hugging you. The fear of how you would react to a touch, a feel a kiss keeps me from touching you feeling you kissing you.

The times that I have lived have been longer than those of others, the thoughts that shape me are as old as myself, the fears that haunt me today; have walked with through all my lonely trecks.

It suddenly seems that we two, we are at two disparate ends of an otherwise not so interesting life, I roll back my longings, pack my bags of desire... and walk on. With me walks an alluring sense of disconnect.

Rajesh

How Far Will I Ever Be?

No, I wont ever be away from you. Bound to you like the other end of a Compass, I forever remain connected to you. Where ever I go, you will still find me drawing circles, circles of life around you.

You Are My Favorite Sound

My life is a brilliant orchestra. 

I do not know the players, I will never see the composer nor the conductor; I do not know when the drums will sound, or the violins play or when the trumpet would shout loud. All I know is that there is magic in the wild cacophony of my life. I like some compositions, I hate some. It might not be a Bethoven or a Bach...it still sounds like a good symphony to me.

And amidst these myriad tunes, you are my favorite sound.

Rajesh

Burning Bush fires

Every time we were together, holding hands firing hearts; I have felt the moments light up, electrify. As my fingers criss crossed and drew wild patterns on your waxed skin,  as our bodies intertwined in serpentine loops, as your perfume mingled with my cologne, I had felt the bush fires burn, rage, consume.


The fires from my yesteryears fuel the memories of my tomorrows. I never really had enough of you, I am yet to turn cinders. Burn me for all time, the phoenix awaits its ashes.


Rajesh