20 Relationship Facts from My Life

It takes a long time to make sense of relationships. Sometimes I feel that it is well nigh impossible to make sense at all. I list some of the greatest mysteries that exist between human relationships:

1. It is difficult to read other people’s minds.
2. It is difficult to comprehend me as other people see me.
3. What I think I know of others is an older version; the file keeps getting updated quite frequently.
4. Most assumptions that I make in relationships are conditional. Sometimes I believe that I am important in the other person’s life, most times, I believe that I am not.
5. Either of the beliefs does not really matter, since I know neither for sure.
6. My assumptions are based on my life’s transactions with the other person. The higher the sharing of thoughts, laughter and worries, the closer I believe I am to the other.
7. The absence of affection, care, and physical touch makes me believe that I am not important. I need to be touched to believe.
8. I conveniently interpret silences in relationships as key indicators to absence of love.
9. I have been often been wrong in my interpretations.
10. Love is rarely reciprocated. Most times, we end up loving people who would not love us in return.
11. Sometimes, the people we love them have their own love un-returned.
12. Once I grew up, I rarely made a friend.
13. You never know who will attract you and for how long. Sometime, some attractions last a month, but the longings linger on a life time.
14. Sometimes, some relationships last a life time, but there is no real attraction, just adjustments.
15. Happiness is not a normal state of being. Thoughts of happiness are.
16. Sadness is not a normal state of being, loneliness is.
17. Laughter is more alluring than tears. Years later, when everything else is forgotten, laughter remains etched in our memories.
18. Tears of those you love hurt you just as much.
19. The need for personal space is inversely proportionate to the need to be together. The more you feel like being together, the less space you require for yourself.
20. It is impossible to reciprocate each person’s feeling in a similar manner.

When Crackers Light The Night Sky

I saw crackers burst over the night sky a short while ago. The little mount church nearby is celebrating some festival.

There was another night sometime ago; a night steeped in folk songs, crackers and loads of laughter. When the last embers of each cracker burns out, and the night sky awaits another burst, there is a short period of silence between showers of lights. Thoughts of you fill these silences.


You ignite my memories with each burst of crackers. I see your eyes catch the gleam of sparkles, I hear your laughter in the cheering crowds. Today, as always, you are with me in all my celebrations, and the silences that follow.

The Songs of Autumn

I hate to travel by road. It has something to do with my absolute dread of accidents. But then, 12 hours and 750 kilometers later, I reached Chennai safely on my basanti (Sam calls my car Basanti).

In the past two months the word Autumn has crept into my lines more frequently than ever before. It pops up in my poems, in my blogs and in my every day conversations. Traveling through the ghat roads, autumn followed me all the way to Chennai. There were some trees, especially the neem trees that had finally decided to grow some leaves and blushed green all over the roadsides, but the others, they were still in mourning. I now begin to realize the connection between human emotions and nature. Even as I felt the need to shed some leaves and leave them behind, I could see the trees doing the same.

Someday soon, when the longing for what was is no longer as strong as it is today, like the neem trees, I will grow green leaves and bloom again. Until then, let the songs of Autumn play on.

My boss was kind enough to lend me his driver; hence I was spared the nightmare of driving.

Some pics from the journey.

Rajesh

Time To Change

A colleague of mine told me today that she noticed perceptible changes in me since Feb'2010, and that the same  opinion is shared by a few others too. The most noticeable changes being:

• I am not as frequently loud as I was before.
• A semblance of an emotional being is now visible
• I seem now to feel need for people to be around me (sociability)

I said yes to all the three and thanked her. If these are the first few steps, there are miles to go until I am perceived like any other normal human being. I am on the way. 

When asked on the reason for change, I shared something very simple. I told her that I somehow started believing that its ok to share what I feel and let some of the normal emotions become visible to others. I have always been interested in people around me, especially colleagues who work with me, its just that I did not want them to know. Now I feel it is ok to let them know.

I am not very sure whether this is going to be easy. There is less to lose and much to gain. Happy change days ahead.

The Option to Fast Forward

I have been increasingly thinking wishfully about this remote control. A remote control that would allow me to fast forward my life to two or maybe three months ahead of today. I am still in love with my life, I want to live it until the last day, however, there is something about this season in my life which wants me to earnestly “not live in these times.” Thinking aloud about this, I asked my cubicle colleague, Sharon, what option she would choose if I were to give her one such remote; a remote that had stop, pause, forward and play on options. Surprisingly, she opted for the fast forward option too.

I wish this could happen.

But then something happened today that made me feel very good about living this day. Today was Priyanka’s birthday. Priyanka works with me and I consider her as a friend, not sure whether it is the same the other way round :)

So we had two sessions of cake cuttings, lunch at the pizza hut and the complimentary song from those lovely folks who make the Pizza Hut experience unique. I guess Priyanka did feel special, and that was what made today a “non fast forward day.”

For tomorrow and the days to come, I would love to have someone send me that remote.